


The Doctor Who Christmas Spooktacular

by Deathraptor22



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Christmas Special, Crack Fic, Gen, Krampus - Freeform, Multi, Other, RLP In Places, Semi-Random Events Plot, alien holiday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 23:33:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17110241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathraptor22/pseuds/Deathraptor22
Summary: The real reason why we don't have a Christmas special this year. (In reality, a combined crack fic/ blot bunny that wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it.)





	The Doctor Who Christmas Spooktacular

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Doctor Who

The entire cast and crew were crowded into the writer’s room.  
Bereft of any idea for a Chrisman special, Chibnall had gathered all the writers to see if they had any ideas. They didn’t. In fact, the only idea they could come up with was when Tim Price suggested bringing in the directors, actors, and the crew to see if they had anyone ideas. Which was why everyone from the lead actress to the PAs, were all gathered in an increasingly claustrophic room.  
“Alright, everyone.” Chibnall began, “If anyone had an idea, just come at with it. At this point there are no bad ones.”  
Emboldened, one of the grafters spoke up. “Okay, how about this? The Doctor and the companions step out of the TARDIS and find themselves in this city that’s got this steam-punk, scavenged punk vibe…”  
“Wait a second,” Mandip Gill spoke up, “What’s scavenged punk?”  
“It’s basically a stylized setting that focuses on technology and culture based on scavenged junk.” The gaffer explained, “Kinda like the asteroid in The Doctor’s Wife.”  
“That could be interesting.” Pete McTighe speculated, “So, go on.”  
The grafter began again. “So there in this scavenged punk city…”  
“Are we on, like planet of the cartoon mice or something?” Ryan asked, peering up a tall building that appeared to be made out of cans and sheets of metal with different colored shards of glass that had been fused together for windows.  
“No, they’re actually pretty advanced.” The Doctor informed him, looking around as well. Something was familiar about the designs, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. “Ah ha!” She suddenly explained, “I know now. We’re on Trite. Home to three different species, Brixom, the Isulion, and the Plant People—”  
“Hold on,” A camera woman cut in, “We can’t just call them plant people.”  
“Well, I haven’t really come up with name with them yet.” The gaffer admitted apologetically, “All I know is that they look like the creature from Stay Out of The Basement.”  
“Well, in that case why don’t we just call them the Stines.” Malorie Blackman suggested.  
“Mmmm,” Chris mused, “I like. So, what’s next?”  
The gaffer looked down. “That’s um, actually all I got so far.”  
“Ahem,” The camera woman who pointed out the problem of the nameless creatures cleared her throat, “I think I can take it from here.”  
“Hey Doc, if there are three different species on this planet, how come we’re practically the ones out here?” Graham asked.  
Graham posed a good question, aside from one woman who looked like a human in a long dark coat and group of creatures who could be mistaken for the Loveland Frogman sulking in an ally, there wasn’t a creature stirring. Then she caught a man boarding up a window. Both her hearts sank as she realized what was going on.  
As if confirm her suspicions a loud horn suddenly blared.  
“We need to get out of here.” The Doctor said, urgently turning around and leading the way back to the TARDIS, “I’m sorry, but I’ve made a horrible mistake. I’ve made a horrible mistake. I’ve brought us here on Savage Night.”  
“Savage Night?” Yaz asked before a hand slapped over her mouth, and two frog men grabbed her, dragging her away kicking and trying to scream.  
“It’s a holiday.” The Doctor explained in such a state she didn’t even notice the kidnapping, “A terrible, terrible holiday. For one night a year all crime is legal.” That was when the human-appearing woman and two other women they hadn’t seen before attacked Ryan from the back, throwing a large sack over him before carrying him off.  
“Wait a second.” A cameraman spoke up, “Isn’t that basically The Purge?”  
“The what?” Bradley Walsh spoke up.  
“It’s a series of American horror films where for one night of year all crime, including murder is legal for twelve hours.” Tosin Cole explained, “And disturbing amount of people murder.”  
“It gets equally more stupid and scarier the more you think about it.” Jennifer Perrott added.  
“So, we can’t use it without it being plagiarism?” Pete asked.  
“Could you plagiarize on purge night?” Jody Whittaker wondered aloud.  
“Well, if all crime is legal—” Bradley responded.  
“I know, but the time it takes to write something, or fil something, or publish something, or distribute something.” Jody pointed out, “You can’t get all that done in twelve hours.”  
“Well, that’s a good point.” Bradley Walsh admitted, “I suppose if you worked on it over a series of Purges—”  
Ahhem,” Jennifer coughed, getting everyone’s attention, “If we could stay on topic, please? We have to figure out how to deal with this.”  
“I think I know.” The camera man spoke up again, “We could have her say—”  
“Some nonsense about allowing the different species to honor the less savory aspects of their various cultures that don’t mess with elements of the other species’ cultures.” The Doctor explained not noticing a green humanoid covered with small leaves injecting Graham something that rendered him unconscious before dragging him away.  
That was when the Doctor realized her companions were being only quiet and turned around to find them gone. “Oooh, this is not good.” She murmured, backing up, that was when she tripped over a piece of debris that sent her flying through the air, diving into some sort of pot hole that in the rust to get inside before Savage Night began, had not been filled. A rather deep pot hole. She reached out to try to find something to grab onto, when he dissents was stop by some sort of net. She looked around, trying to figure out a way out of the hole.  
That was when a group of ten faces covered with white masks peered into the whole.  
“Oh, hey guys,” The Doctor smiled up at them, “Hey, smart idea, putting something in this thing, but you think you could help me out?”  
They figures responded but unlatching the net and pulling the next up with Doctor still in it. They then proceeded to hoist the net and the Doctor above their heads and before walk in a large mass.  
“Hey!” The Doctor protested, struggling to get out of the net, “What are you doing? What do you think you’re doing!”  
Meanwhile, the first frogmen, or Brixom or whatever they were called, had dragged Yaz off to a grotto just outside of the city. “Let go on me!” Yaz demanded, “I swear, I’m frying all of your legs!”  
That was when another Brixom came up and squeeze Yaz’s shoulder. “Ow!” The girl exclaimed as the Brixom moved on to her arm, “Ow! What are you doing?!”  
“Too skinny.” The Brixom declared.  
“What does that mean?” Yaz demanded as her frogmen captors walked off into a cave with her, “What does that mean?!”  
Not receiving any answer, Yaz was sat down on the floor of the cave, a bowel of some sort of orange-colored berries thrusted at her. “Eat.” One of the Brixom ordered.  
“Not thanks.” Yaz responded nervously, pushing the bowel away.  
Suddenly there was a sharp spear in her face. “Eat.” The creature repeated.  
“Okay, okay.” Yaz gave in, beginning to eat the berries.  
Meanwhile, the women who had Ryan in a shack, were a front door, knocking on it. “It’s us!” The girl called out, “We got one!”  
The door was opened by another woman. “Come on.” She whispers, “Get him inside. Looks like a real fighter, that one.”  
They walked into a room with not much future, except for what looked like a patchwork couch. “Where is everyone?” The other female asked, “I thought we had twelve raiders this year.”  
“We do.” The female who let them in responded, “They’re still out hunting. The doctor’s in the kitchen, though, if you want her to take a look at him”  
“Thanks.” The other girl replied as they walked through the kitchen with their prize.  
Graham was awoken by something poking at his liver.   
“What did I tell you?” A voice was saying, “He looks Isulion, but—clearly he’s not. What’s the blazes, is he?”  
Graham opened his eyes to find two green men, decorated with leaves, standing over him. He tried to move, but something was holding him down. He looked around and his heart started beating faster as he realized he was strapped to an operating table.  
“What the—” Graham began.  
“I’ve never seen anything like this.” The Stine said in astonishment, either ignoring or not hearing Graham.  
“And we have twelve hours to so any examinations we want.” The other Stine reminded him with a devious smile.  
Meanwhile, the ground had brought Doctor to the a round flat building, with rectangle cut out of it.  
“What’s this then?” The Doctor continued her protest as they walked inside.  
The Doctor found herself carried through a series of twisty turns, and half walls, all the while screaming her head off, and getting no response. Suddenly, they came to the center of the maze where there was a row of polls.  
“You have got to be kidding me.” The Doctor groaned, rolling her head.  
“Oh, will somebody please shut her up?!” One of the cultists pleaded.  
Suddenly someone wrapped a piece of cloth around the Doctor’s mouth, taking away her ability to say anything other than untellable moans.  
The cultist carried the Doctor over the polls, where two broke off and helped tie her to it.  
That was when another group of cultists arrived, dragging a struggling, crying girl in a long plea blue dress.  
“Please,” the girl begged, “Please don’t do this! Just let me go, I won’t tell anyone, please!”  
However, the girl’s pleas fell on deaf ears and she was secured to the pole beside the Doctor’s.  
“Is this all you could get?” A cultist from the group that brought the Doctor asked.  
“Is that all you could get another get?” A cultist from the other group pointed out.  
“Fair enough.” The first cultist said, putting a necklace of golden-color rounds around the Doctor’s neck, then out, then put an identical one around the crying girl’s saying, “Egg, will you do the honors?”  
One of the cultists, presumably Egg, turned around and began to chant, “Ah, dum Krampus—”  
“Wait a second.” Tosin Cole Spoke up, “Krampus?”  
“An Alpine mountain demon who figures heavily into the December traditions of Central Europe.” The Camera woman explained, “He’s basically acts as the Bad Cop to St. Nicholas’s Good Cop, warning and punishing bad children.”  
“Sounds Christmassy.” Chris noted.  
“Well, it is a Christmas special, sir.” The Camera woman pointed out.  
“Fair point.” Chris conceded, “Go on.”  
“Ah, dum Krampus,” Egg continued, “Ah dum Krampus!”  
After that another cultist began banging some sort of gong as the others slowly stepped back, chanting, “Krampus, Krampus, Krampus….”  
The women strapped to the polls struggled against their bounding. The Doctor somehow managed to get a hand into her pocket to get her hands around her fingers around her sonic screwdriver as out of the maze stepped a bipedal creature with clover feet, sharp clawed hands, and slightly curled horns, his entire body covered in brown fur as it let out a fierce roar.  
The Doctor’s fellow sacrifice started screaming. She wanted to tell her to clam down, but couldn’t really convey that through the gag, as she kept trying to pulled out her screwdriver. The Krampus lept of the girl digging its claws in, just as the Doctor got the chains unlocked.  
The Doctor whirled on the creature. “Hey!” She shouted.  
The creature turned around, giving the Doctor just enough time to sonic the girl’s chains off. “Run!” She shouted.  
Both she and the Doctor took off to the nearest thing that looked like an exit, being chased by the Krampus and bewildered cultist.  
Meanwhile, Yaz was still being forced to gorge herself at spear point, digging into a bowel of the orange berries, this time mixed with little blue fruits that were shaped like lemons. Those weren’t half bad actually.  
“Seriously, is some sort of torture or something?” Yaz got out in between bites she was barely keeping down.  
Just them, the frog person who had damned her to this caved. “Up.” The Brixom ordered.  
Yaz was forced to her feet and dragged over to the Brixom who took her arm. “Here we go again.” She moaned.  
Meanwhile, Ryan was sitting on someone’s kitchen table, an older red-head shining a bright light in his eye.  
“What even are you?” The red-head said, “I mean, you look like us, but…I never seen anything like this.”  
“I’m what’s called a human.” Ryan answered her, seeing no reason to lie, “Would you…. Do you think you could tell me what this is all about?”  
The red-head looked at him. “You really don’t know?”  
“No.” Ryan replied, “New to town, remember?”  
The read-head was silent. “Well, you picked a Hell of a time to come.” She said, “It’s Savage Night. That’s when…”  
“All crime is legal?” Rayan cut her off, “Yeah, a friend told me that part. Something honoring all the species’ cultures?”  
“Well, one of those tradition is spousal raids.” The red-head explained.  
“Spousal raids?” Ryan repeated.  
“Yeah, we’re equal opportunity here about that.” The red-head responded, “Especially with the population decline. And you, you exotic—whatever, are going to be quite the catch for someone.”  
“And if I don’t want to be a catch?” Ryan asked.  
Meanwhile, Graham found himself strapped into what appeared to be a cat scan. “Seriously, is all this really necessary?” He protested.  
“You know, maybe we should do some study of his vocal cords.” One scientist suggested, “His grasp of our language is impeccable.”  
“Maybe the brain scans can give us some insight into that.” The other responded.  
“Knowledge and ability are two different things.” The first scientist argued.  
“You know, I could probably help you if you just asked!” Graham called out, “And you know, untied me.”  
The creature exchanged glances. “Maybe he’s on to something.” The other scientist suggested.  
“Onto what?” The first scientist question, “Do you really thing he’ll stay if we undo those straps?”  
The other scientist seem to ponder this.  
“Don’t I get a say in this?” Graham questioned.  
“No!” Both Scientist informed him simultaneously.  
Meanwhile, the Doctor and Penelope, the girl who escaped with her, was trying to find their way out of the maze, only to come to another dead end.  
“They’re going to catch us!” Penelope cried, started panic as she heard the footsteps of the cellists chasing him.  
“Calm down.” The Doctor urged, grabbing her and running out of the dead inn.  
As they went down the tunnel at last, they saw a light. Running for it they came out into the night, light by torches on the outside of the maze, and kept running.  
When they finally got back to the city, they stopped. “Do you have anywhere safe to go?” The Doctor asked.  
“My family’s house.” Penelope answered, “I was on my way there when I was taken.”  
“Okay,” The Doctor began, pulling her screwdriver out again, “Take this. I need to go. I need to find my friends and get out of here.”  
Penelope reached out and grabbed ger arms. “No. Let me come with you. I can help. It’s the least I can do after what you did for me.”  
“Penelope, I don’t know what I’m walking into.” The Doctor protested, “It’s dangerous.”  
“But I know the area.” Penelope reasoned, “That could be useful.”  
“Alright.” The Doctor agreed, “Come on.”  
Meanwhile, Yaz was being inspected again by her captor, who was squeezing her arms and poking at the small food baby she was getting from gorging on all that fruit.  
“She’s ready.” The frog woman declared.  
“Ready?” Yaz repeated, “Ready for what?” She was answered by her arms being forced around her back as two frog people tied her at her wrist and elbows. “Hey!” She protested, but then a blue apple-like fruit was shoved in mouth. Then she was raised and carried out of the cave.  
They carried her back to the grotto where other frog people where setting up a large iron pot. Two were pouring water in while another was setting up wood beneath it.  
“Mmm-mmm!” Yaz tried to protest, but couldn’t for the fruit in her mouth, “Mmm-mmm!” Her failed attempts at communications got more intense as they began to lower her in and she attempted to get away.  
“No!” The frog woman snapped, “Into the pot!”  
And with that, Yaz was forced into the pot, which thankfully for her, wasn’t hot yet.  
Meanwhile, The Doctor and Penelope had managed to get the trail of Yaz and the Brixom that took her, and had found their way to the grotto. Ducking behind a rock they peered out from behind it to find a Brixom bringing a tray of red vegetable over to pot containing one Yazmin Kar, and pouring them in and stirring.  
“Oh-no.” The Doctor gasped in a hush whispered, “I forgot the Brixom had taste for other sapient flesh. We got to get her out of there.”  
“But how?” Penelope asked, “We can’t take them all.”  
It was true. Aside from the one currently cooking Yaz there were four just wondering around the camp.  
“We’ll have to make a distraction of some kind.” Then she looked down and found some rocks. “I have an idea.” She said, “Take some rocks and start throwing. Don’t aim for the Brixom’s, but aim for something that’ll make a lot of noise.” She gathered a hand full of rocks and started throwing herself.  
Taking the Doctor’s lead, Penelope took a handful of rocks and began to throw hitting something in the distance that made a crash!  
The Brixom cook, current sprinkling some terra cotta colored spice in the water before rubbing it on a mewling Yaz’s forehead, looked up annoyed. “Go see what that is.” He ordered the others before continuing to rib spice on Yaz.  
Yaz’s eyes glanced around, starting to panic even more as the water started to get warm. That was suddenly everything started to shift and she felt the pot began to fall.  
Managing to hit the pot and make it lose its balance the Doctor grabbed Yaz, and with no time to untie her, carried as the legged it, an angry Brixom chasing after them.  
“Oh, gosh, Yaz,” The Doctor groaned as they ran down the road, barely keeping out of the Brixom’s grasp, “You’re heavy.”  
“Mmm!” Yaz exclaimed, insulted.  
That was when they saw it: A simple wooden cart with mitch-matched wheel, attached to a creature with soft red fur and cloven hooves.  
They all jumped in the cart, the Doctor grabbing hold of the reins. “Giggly up!” She shouted, slapping the reins. It seemed to work and the creature took off and soon the Brixoms were well in the dust.  
At last they made it back to town. “Alright.” The Doctor said, still riding the cart, “One down two to go. Now, I’m pretty sure that Ryan was still with us around here—”  
After a lot of ambling around the city, they came to a house. “Ryan,” Yaz called out as they ran through the door, “It’s alright we’re—” Her voice trailed off.  
Her voice trailed off, while yes, there a group of young men and women lined up, but Ryan was not one of them.  
“Sorry.” The Doctor said, “Wrong house.” Then they pulled out.  
“Wait,” A PA spoke up, breaking the momentum, “So she just leaves them there?”  
“You have to admit, it doesn’t seem like something to promote.” Bradley spoke up.  
“Well, how ‘bout this?” Tosin began.  
“No wait,” The Doctor said, throwing the door back open again, “What’s going on here?”  
“It looks like some sort of spousal raid.” Penelope spoke up, “Albeit not a very well put together one.”  
Penelope seemed to have a point. Other than perspective spouses there was only one person in the room, a scrawny young man with large stick, presumably to try to keep the captives in line.  
“Alright then,” The Doctor said, hurrying into the room, “You’re all coming with me. Come on, we’ll get you out.”  
“Oi!” The man guarding them exclaimed waving the stick in the Doctor’s face, “You’re looking for a husband you pay up now. And one per person.”  
The Doctor responded by grabbing the stick from his hand. “I’ll take the lot of them.” She declared, “Now, come on!”  
Meanwhile, Ryan had been given a pair of fine, soft, dark pants, and white silk shirt. No shoes however.  
He was standing in line with two dozen or so young man and women the one next to him crying.  
“It’s alright.” He tried to assure, “We’re going to get out of here.” After a beat he added, mostly to himself, “Somehow.”  
Just then one of the women, this particular pack seemed to be made mostly of women, walked up the girl in question. “Well, aren’t you the pretty one,” She observered, brushing back a string of the girl’s broom-colored hair, “What’s your name, sweetheart?”  
“Cassi-Cassia.” The girl stammered out.  
“Well, Cassia, is there anything you want to tell me about yourself??” The women asked with an almost predatory grin.  
Cassie burst out crying again. “I just wanna go home!”  
That was when the Doctor burst in. “Okay, “She said, “We got the right house this time.”  
Before anyone could react the designated victims from the other house poured in, attacking the pack. Emboldened, their own captives started doing the same.  
“No, no, no!” The Doctor called out, trying squelch the mob and failing.  
Ryan had grabbed Cassia by the wrist and ran with her towards his friends. “Where’s Graham? “He asked when he reached them.  
“We still need to find him.” The Doctor declared, before turning around.  
The Doctor didn’t know how right she was. Right now, Gram was—still—strapped to an operating table, but now a laser coming at him.  
“How is this in any way ethical?!” Gram shouted, “Or practical for that matter?!”  
“Savage Night, remember?!” One of the scientists shouted back to him.  
“Don’t do that.” The other scientist warned.  
“What?” The first responded.  
“Talk to it.” The other elaborated, “Once you start doing it, you get attached to it.”  
“We’re about to cut it open I think we’re past that at this point.” The first pointed.  
Meanwhile, Gram struggled, trying to get as much distance between him and the laser as possible.  
That was when the doors burst opened and in poured a dozen young men and women in the same outfit. While they were dealing with the skinniest the Doctor and the other ran down to Gram.   
“You okay?” Ryan asked as he removed the straps along with the others.  
“I will be when you get me out of this thing.” Graham replied urgently.  
As if on cue, they finished unstrapping him and pulled him off the table just before the laser hit.  
The group, now consisted the five people, The Doctor, Gram, Ryan, Yaz, Penople and Cassia ran through the streets. “Okay,” The Doctor said, “All we have to do is get top the TARDIS and we’re home free!”  
That was when it appeared behind them. An extremely angry mob of everyone they had managed to piss off that night: The Krampus cultist, the Brixiom tribe, both marriage packs and the Stine scientists.  
“Why do I even talk the Doctor murmured as her and everyone else picked up the pace.  
And somehow, there it was, a big, blue, beautiful, beacon of hope. The TARDIS  
“Come on!” The Doctor exclaimed opening the door and ushering everyone inside, “Everyone in.” Once everyone was inside, she ran in herself, shutting the door behind them. And with that, they took off.  
“And that’s how it ends, I guess.” Tosin Cole finished.  
Everyone was silent for a moment. “But then that leaves us with two companions to semi-permently cast.” Chris Chipnal pointed out.  
“Plus, it is somewhat, meandering.” Pete pointed out, “Maybe we should cut some it and keep the Krampus bit. That’s somewhat Christmassy.”  
“Not to mention.” A gaffer spoke up, “The Doctor never actually fixed the problem. There’s still gonna be a Not-Purge night next year and it’ll all happen all over again.”  
There was a chorus of agreement from several members of the group.  
“Or, and this a bit drastic,” Bradley began, “We could table this special until new year’s this year so that we have a chance of coming up with something decent.”  
Once again there was a chorus of agreement.

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas everybody!


End file.
